A Walk to Remember | Wizard Rating:

Geezus fucking Christ. What the hell kind of bullshit crack whore pa-diddle wink fuck nugget shit are they trying to pull on us now? I walked into this thing somehow unaware of the fact that all the other people were under the age of 14 and singing Clitney Rears songs to themselves under their breath whilst saying things like "oh. my. god. Becky. You can't do that! You get in like, big trouble if you fuck a 16 year old!" and "oh. my. god. If I break another nail today I'm just going to like, die,... or something."

Warning: I'm about to ruin this movie. Stop reading now if you are chewing watermelon gum or singing a Backstreet Boys song in your head, or planning to see this movie on purpose.

I gave this movie 2 stars because it has Mandy Moore in it. Mandy Moore is hot and so the movie gets 2 stars.

She didn't get naked because she's like 16 but she did sing a lot and look generally cute. Apparently the male lead is also hot but I didn't look at him at all because I'm not gay. They both have messed up teeth but that's okay because they wear designer clothes.

This movie is the same old shit. Boy meets girl, lovey dovey shit happens, girl dies. Boy cries. This is apparently the only way to get the attention of American youth. Put some pretty people up there, make them fall in love, and then kill one of them. Boom. Everyone cries and chokes on their Skittles. Instant success. Woo hoo.

This is a terrible attempt to program the innocent youth of today to love God and the Bible. Mandy runs around with a Bible 24 hrs a day and thinks God will save her or something. Then the guy starts believing the same shit and turns his evil teenage whore life around. What a crock. This is supposed to be some kind of "leap of faith" thing where everybody is happy because they believe in the power of Christ. This ain't no freaking leap of faith. Mandy's father is a Preacher at the local church for God's sake! She was programmed from birth to love the giant bearded ape in the sky. If her father had told her that Nantook the Eskimo princess was responsible for her she'd worship ice.

If you ever find yourself in a theater playing this "film," Just go in there and behold the beauty of Mandy. Only the beauty of Mandy can save you now. Amen.